Well that's awkward
by Ellenore Carter
Summary: We've all wished we were Avengers. We're all jealous of Pepper Potts. Well, life so close to the Avengers, tends not to be so glamorous at times. *warning: Includes some really 'out there' humor. Read at your own risk. Edit: no, I wasn't dropped as a child...thank you though.
1. Chapter 1

Natasha and Pepper Potts sat comfortably on a white futon in Tony Stark's lavish living room. They were sipping coffee and chatting lightly.

"You're lucky Natasha," Pepper commented distantly. Natasha looked at her friend with question in her eyes.

"Why?" she asked, amusement crossing her face. Pepper shrugged.

"You were born beautiful. You've been beautiful for you're whole life. Men swoon when you walk into the room. I can't even get Tony to look at me."

There was a short moment of silence between the women. Natasha Romanov moved closer to her friend.

"Well, I've never found much pleasure in the attention of men. They all are quite consistently looking to get the same thing, something I don't much care to offer them," the Russian spy suggested softly, leaning closer. Pepper didn't notice.

"But that's easy for you. They've been chasing you since forever. I've never had a man swoon over me. It's just awful for my self esteem. Sometimes I just wish I didn't need his approval, you know. Like, what if I could just be my own person for once in my life, carefree, doing whatever I wanted? It sounds so great. I could live like you Natasha-"

Pepper stuttered to a stop in the middle of her little monologue as Miss Natasha Romanov put her hands on the recently made CEO's face and pressed her thick, feminine lips into the woman's cheek. There was a long unmoving silence.

"Natasha?" Pepper finally inquired.

"Yeah?" Natasha answered without moving her face.

"What are you doing?"

Another pause.

"I'm kissing you," Natasha stated.

"Why?"

"…Didn't you want me to?" The Russian sat back, away from Pepper. Miss. Potts shook her head.

"No, Natasha I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you."

Neither of the women spoke, but the Black Widow's face grew to be a deep, fleshy pink.

"Right, well good because I don't either, and that could've been really weird," she reasoned, not making eye contact with the woman sitting on the other end of the white futon. Pepper cleared her throat.

"Are you a lesbian Miss. Romanov?"

Miss Romanov made a face suggesting that she felt the statement was completely ridiculous.

"What? Lesbian? Please. I am not a lesbian. I mean, I'm like the straightest woman you've ever met. Sex with men is, like, my favorite thing ever. Penises and testicles are just great. Yippee."

Romanov coughed a restrained laugh to cover up her embarrassment, but the action did little to serve it's purpose. Pepper nodded slowly.

"Ok, well, I'm not a lesbian either."

Natasha nodded hurriedly in agreement.

"No no, of course you aren't."

They both took an uncannily synchronized gulp of their cooling coffee before Natasha spoke up again.

"But, hypothetically, if one of us were a lesbian, the other would be the first to find out right?"

Pepper pursed her lips and offered a skeptical glance before she answered.

"I suppose."

"And if, in the off chance that we were both lesbians, maybe we could hook up some time-"

"Natasha."

"Sorry, I'll get back to work now."


	2. Chapter 2

Pepper had been asked to work late that day and she found herself getting home at midnight, trying to be silent so as to avoid wake a sleeping Tony. The woman left her purse on the coat rack by the door and lurked through the house without turning any lights on.

She sat in a plush white chair and felt herself relaxing for the first time that day, and that was when she heard some song that sounded like Ke$ha floating in through the house. She stood up and strode over towards the source of the noise. It was coming from a stereo in Tony Stark's room. Pepper hesitated. She felt that it would be best if she knocked before entering the room, but the music was too loud for him to hear(and if she knocked he'd have time to come up with a plausible explanation for the ridiculous music he was blasting), so she didn't.

When she opened the door, Ke$ha's "Blah Blah Blah" almost knocked her off her feet, but slightly more shocking were the people currently occupying the room. Every single one of the male Avengers were standing in the middle of the room, stripped down to their underwear, and dancing. Tony and Clint had both strapped on one of Pepper's lacy red bras each and were shimmying in the middle of the group.

The respectable business woman's jaw dropped, and she didn't stop the door from slamming shut behind her. At the sound, all the mostly nude partiers' necks snapped over to look at her where she stood. After a moment of thunderous silence Pepper spotted Natasha Romanov, also in her underwear, duct taped to a chair facing the men with a gag in her mouth.

"What is going on here?" she demanded. Tony walked around his fellow male Avengers to where Pepper was standing.

"Pepper…today…we are celebrating a very special day…the day Natasha was born. This," he gestured at the mostly naked men who weren't dancing anymore, "was her one wish and we decided that such a special woman deserved a great birthday party."

Pepper glanced at Miss. Romanov, then back at Tony.

"Why did you restrain her to a chair?"

"She's into S&M stuff. Not really my thing, but like I said, anything for Natasha, our favorite lady Avenger."

Natasha squealed and struggled to free herself from her bonds.

"She doesn't look as if she's enjoying herself."

Tony nodded, with his classic matter-of-fact look, which contrasted dramatically with the given situation.

"Yeah, well, with so many hot guys in their underwear in one room, it's normal to get a little overwhelmed."

"And not only are you in your underwear, but you're also in my underwear?"

Natasha managed to spit out the bandana tied around her mouth.

"Help Pepper! They do this ever first Tuesday of the month! It's an Avengers thing. If you say no they tie you to a chair and make you watch!"

Pepper looked around at the Avengers who weren't bound an gagged.

"You people have managed to prove to me, again, that you are all psychos, congratulations." The woman began walking over to where Natasha was sitting.

"No Pepper! Call the police! Run before they get you too!" the Russian spy shrieked. Pepper turned around as she was snatched by Thor. When she struggled it was like she was trying to pull a truck with her eyelids.

Fifteen minutes later, both Natasha and Pepper were sitting on chairs, tapped down with duct tape and wearing nothing but their underwear.

"Well, this isn't all that bad," Pepper suggested. Miss. Romanov groaned.

"You haven't been sitting here for the last three and a half hours."

"Three hours?" Pepper gasped. Natasha's head flopped down and she closed her eyes in defeat.

"You could've called the fucking police."


	3. Chapter 3

Pepper Potts shuddered before she opened the door to Tony's house. Lately, perhaps even more frequently than usual, she'd find herself coming home to odd situations that usually involved multiple red-faced people and complex explanations that were harder to follow than Moby Dick.

Today, as she strode carefully into the living room, all the Avengers, including Natasha and Clint, were sitting in a circle, waiting for her; of course they were.

"Pepper, please sit down," Tony stated gently. Pepper looked around the room like they were all nuts, and they were.

"What? Why?" she demanded.

"We need to talk to you about your problem," Natasha offered coolly. Pepper wouldn't be reasoned with.

"What problem? What is this?" the woman shouted, her arm gestures becoming more dramatic as she spoke. Thor stood up and led her by her shoulders to the extra chair they'd placed at the head of their psychotic little circle. She wasn't strong enough to resist being forcibly shoved into her seat.

"Thank you for joining us Pepper. Now lets talk about your problem," Tony stated, often the ring leader of the Avengers' delusional flights of fancy. Pepper sighed in defeat, coming quickly upon the realization that she'd be here for a long time if she didn't play along.

"Alright," she groaned, "what's my problem?"

"You seem to be a bit of a homophobe Pepper, but don't panic. It is a problem we can fix if we all work together," Clint offered.

"What?" Pepper demanded harshly, more shocked by the answer than she'd expected she'd be.

"You see Pepper, Natasha here has brought our attention to the particular sort of malevolence you feel for the gay community, and we feel it is in all of our best interests to try to change your mind on the topic," Tony explained. Pepper fumed.

"And what exactly did I do to bring you all to this conclusion?" she asked, trying to calm herself down.

"Well, Pepper, Natasha told us about how you ridiculed her for being bisexual, and she said she felt very threatened by your bullying," the hulk, or Bruce Banner, offered. Natasha nodded in response to the statement. Pepper sighed, again, accepting that she should've known this was going to come back and bite her in the ass.

"Ok, if that's what this is about, then I have a few things to say myself. One," Pepper began counting on her fingers for dramatic effect. "Natasha is not bisexual; she's a lesbian. There is no way a straight woman as gorgeous as her could possibly spend so much time around you five without fucking a single one of you-"

"Actually, Natasha and I slept together a few times," Clint offered, and Natasha nodded in agreement. Pepper looked at him, narrowing her eyes.

"Were you doing crack, or otherwise heavily intoxicated?" she inquired. They both shrugged.

"Both," the pair responded in unison.

"Alright, then it doesn't count. Two," she included another finger. "I did not ridicule or "bully" Natasha. A: that is physically impossible for me to do because she's so damn strong, and B: all I did was stop her from molesting me, which had to be quick and blunt because this woman has the sex drive of a rabbit and I'd love to not be raped by her now or any time in the foreseeable future."

They all looked at each other, like they weren't surprised by the response they were getting.

"Now Pepper, we know that this is a hard thing for you, but denying it isn't going to help you get better. We love you, and we want to help you through this." Tony held Steve's hand, who looked like he was about to cry. Pepper rolled her eyes.

"You can't just have an intervention for homophobia! And I'm not a homophobe. You people are nuts."

"Really Natasha? Because when I casually bring up Tony and I's sexual habits to you, you're pretty quick to change the subject," Steve suggested. Pepper nodded.

"Pardon me for not wanting to hear how you and Tony spice up your love life. You know you don't have to sleep together just because Tumblr says you do?"

"We don't?" Tony gasped.

"No you idiot! Tumblr doesn't decide the laws in America! That's what the government is for!" Pepper ranted. Suddenly Tony's face distorted into a look of absolute horror and disgust. He tore his hand away from Steve.

"It doesn't?" he demanded. Pepper groaned.

"No Tony, it doesn't. Who told you it did?"

"Natasha," he stated, still looking shocked and mortified. Everyone looked at Natasha, who shrugged.

"I was gonna tell him I was joking," she explained. Tony ran out of the room after a quick "I need to take a shower." Steve watched him dash away and turned to Pepper, obviously livid with her.

"Great! Thanks Pepper! Now I don't have a boyfriend anymore!" he shouted in an iconic nasally voice and stormed out of the room. The rest of the Avengers sat in the circle uncomfortably for a long, long time.

"So Pepper, since you and Natasha aren't a thing anymore, wanna hook up some time?" Clint suggested. Pepper rolled her eyes.

"Shut up," she snarled and left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Pepper and Tony laid(Lied? Lay?) in bed next to each other after a particularly rigorous session of what one might or might not do with another in bed(gather from that what you will). It was odd, since Tony had broken off his somewhat unofficial relationship with Steve, he'd been going after all sorts of women, and who was Pepper to say no to this delicious man of such prowess in these aspects? He'd even had a go at Natasha, who'd socked him promptly in the nose, then again three more times before the point was gotten into his thick scull.

"Pepper," he sighed. Pepper looked at him, a silly grin on her face.

"Yes Tony?" she answered softly.

"You're a beautiful woman," he said as though he hadn't said it hundreds of times in the last fifteen minutes. Pepper laughed softly.

"Well thank you Tony, that's very flattering," she responded, because she never grew tired of his compliments.

"Can I tell you a secret?" he whispered in a way that made her lock up with apprehension. It was inevitable; she'd been a fool to think that maybe she could go more than four days without some Avenger messing with her life in some weird way, with no motive other than to embarrass her, screw with her, or to make her feel extremely uncomfortable.

"Anything," she exhaled, attempting to hide her terror of another night ruined. Tony shifted so he was facing her, not the ceiling.

"It's really strange," he warned. Pepper nodded.

"I assumed as much."

Tony hesitated.

"Right well, I'll start this off with a question then. Pepper, do you ever read smut?" he asked. Pepper pursed her lips.

"No, but I've woken up with Natasha in my bed, reading smut aloud to me while I sleep and have had some dreadful dreams because of it."

There was a brief, unanticipated silence.

"That's odd," he suggested. Pepper shrugged.

"I've lived through worse with that woman."

"Ok, well back to my secret; have you heard of the 'Twilight' books?" he asked. Pepper nodded, with a good feeling for where this was possibly going.

"You read Twilight smut then?" the woman guessed. Tony's face distorted into a look of disgust.

"What? No! Lord Pepper, do you think I'm some kind of sick pervert or something?" the man demanded. Pepper recoiled at the violent response.

"No, sorry Tony, I didn't-I-"

"I wrote a Twilight smut story," he offered before she could finish and made the poor woman choke on her words and the air that leapt down her throat. She coughed, and hacked for an uncomfortably long time.

"What?" she asked finally. Tony rolled his eyes.

"See Pepper, this is why I fucked you before I told you this, because imagine how you'd be snapping at me right now if you were horny," the man moaned. Pepper, a bit taken aback by the statement, looked away with an emotion close to embarrassment thudding in her ears.

"Sorry," she mumbled under her breath. Tony patted her head.

"That's alright. I was just wondering if you'd like to read it and tell me what you think of it, but if you don't read smut then whatever," he shrugged. Pepper stopped him from getting out of the bed.

"Well, I don't know Tony; I might make an exception. What's the premise?" she asked gently. Tony laid(lied?) back down and prepared to explain to the woman what his smut book was about.

"Ok, so Bella has a thing for bestiality, as evidenced by her attraction to Jacob right?" he began. Pepper stopped herself from grimacing and nodded respectfully.

"So Edward decides to spice things up, if you know what I mean, with some role playing, but when that doesn't please her, he invites Jacob over for a threesome."

Pepper listened politely, trying with all her might to stop herself from vomiting bile all over the bed. Both of them turned their head when Natasha flung the door open, laughing hysterically.

"What is this?" she demanded, shaking a book at them in her hand, titled "Red Eyes, Huge Dick." Natasha flipped to the middle and began reading.

"His penis was beautiful, just like his face-" and the rest was inaudible through her cackling. When she tried to read further her laugh quieted and became just a silent opening and closing of her pretty, gaping mouth.

Pepper narrowed her eyes.

"Get out!" she shouted. Natasha nodded, still silently in hysterics.

"I'll just be in the kitchen, reading," the Russian spy wheezed and closed the door behind her as she left.

Pepper looked at Tony, and Tony looked at Pepper.

"So I got this text from Clint and he was wondering if we'd be willing to-"

"No."

"You didn't even here what I was going to say!" he shouted as poor Pepper Potts got out of bed and started pulling her clothes back on.


	5. Chapter 5

Pepper and the other Avengers all sat in a circle, playing truth or dare, and Pepper had thought long and hard about why she had agreed to such a terrible idea, to no avail.

So far, Bruce and Clint had both licked each others feet, multiple times, Tony had revealed that at one point, when Nick Fury was asleep, he'd gone to his house and spit in his mouth out of spite, Natasha'd gone out on the street and given a hooker forty dollars for her underwear, Pepper had stuck her tongue in all of the Avenger's mouths besides Clint and Natasha who weren't actually Avengers anyway, and everyone was pretty heavily intoxicated.

"Who's next?" Tony asked, a slur in his voice. Thor pounded his monstrous fist on the floor beneath them.

"I AM NEXT, TONY OF STARK DESSENT, AND I REQUEST A DARE FROM THE MORTALS!" he cried. Captain America, Steve in his free time, laughed and whispered something indiscernible to Natasha who laughed as well.

"Thor, we dare you to let us give you a swirly," the gorgeous woman suggested, the light of malicious humor dancing in her keen eyes. Thor looked back at her, a big, stupid grin on his face.

"AND WHAT IS A SWIRLY, LADY ROMANOFF?" he asked cheerfully. Natasha stood up, almost tipped over, and beckoned him to follow her.

"I'll show you big guy," she assured and led him into the bathroom. The other Avengers watched them go, and returned to their game.

"Alright, my turn," Tony stated stoically. "I choose truth."

The remaining Avengers plunged deep into an intensive thought process for the purpose of discerning the most embarrassing question they could possibly conceive. Finally, Bruce grinned a wide, devilish grin.

"If you had to have sex with a cartoon character, who would it be?" he demanded, looking happy with himself.

"Gloria the hippo," Tony replied without an ounce of hesitation. Clint narrowed his eyes.

"Like the hippo from Madagascar?"

"Yes."

"Dude, that's messed up," Steve grunted. Tony crossed his arms over his chest indignantly.

"I was under the impression that this was a judge-free zone? Who are you all to pick apart my imaginary sexual exploits, hm?"

They all shrugged and looked awkwardly away until Black Window came back, looking disheartened, with Thor trailing-dripping-behind her, with a big, dumb grin on his face.

"How was the swirly Thor?" Pepper asked, slightly amused.

"TWAS MOST INVIGORATING MADAME PEPPER! HOW VERY KIND OF YOU TO INQIRE ABOUT IT!" he responded. Pepper laughed until Natasha sat down and smacked her on the back of the head.

"Hey!" the woman snapped, then shut up when Natasha grinned lustfully at her.

"Natasha's turn!" Steve chirped in an uncomfortably high voice. Natasha nodded.

"Truth," she decided. Pepper thought of something first.

"Natasha, what is your most embarrassing family secret?" she asked. Natasha indeed had an embarrassing family, they all knew the answer would be good.

Natasha bit her lip and uncrossed and re-crossed her legs.

"Well," she began, "My biological mother and father were brother and sister. When I was little, my step-father found out he was a panophobe-which means he's afraid of everything-and we had to move to Canada, because there isn't anything in Canada, because nothing has ever happened there, ever. Then my sister, Mary, got pregnant with one of her sports coaches, and she tried to convince everyone that she'd been gifted with an immaculate conception, and some people believed her-mostly Mormons-and started praising her as the next virgin Mary, and I never had any friends so when I was seventeen I married my dog.

"Once, when I was alone at my house, I was watching 'Ripley's Believe it or Not,' and there was a man who'd eaten, like, an entire plane's worth of metal, so I tried to eat my bike and I had to go to the ER, and I was blind for two weeks because of ingesting all that metal. In seventh grade, I went to a Lady Gaga concert, and I got to meet lady Gaga, then I threw up all over her because I was so nervous. I had a teacher in high school who was really pretty, so I told her that I loved her, and her husband tackled me in an alley and beat me up-" The Black Widow burst into tears, and wailed over her ridiculously embarrassing life.

"Ok Natasha, that's probably enough," Pepper suggested, patting the one and only lady Avenger's back and feeling very sorry she'd even asked.

"I explode into a giant green monster whenever I'm angry."

"I have shrapnel in my heart."

"I was frozen for sixty five years."

"MY BROTHER IS EVIL AND TRIED TO KILL ME!"

"I don't really have much of a back-story."

Pepper looked from the male Avengers to the Black Widow and shrugged.

"They sort of win, as far as the 'charming superhero's been through hardships' paradigm. Better luck next time hun," she sighed. The fake tears stopped pouring down Natasha's face and she wrinkled her nose.

"I beat Clint at least though," she reasoned, looking indignant. They all shrugged.

"He's mysterious, it sort of trumps, sorry."

"Damnit," the Black Widow hissed. "Next time I'll get you."

**A.N.**

**Seriously guys, if this should be M, just let me know m'kay?**

**I may regret this, but I'll open for suggestions, I maintain that I may not write suggestions, and if I don't, I probably won't offer any explanations or justifications for my behavior.**

**Reviews are immensely appreciated-like I'll love you forever if you talk to me, I'm a freak like that.**

**I'm a self certified consultant! Pm me if you need me to talk you off a cliff. I'm here for you.**

**-Ellen**


	6. Chapter 6

Pepper Potts sat in Tony's living room with all the Avengers, minus Natasha and Clint(decidedly not actual Avengers). She had been called for an official meeting, where everyone was supposed to be present, but it wasn't so much an official meeting as a "we defeated Loki even though ya'll said we couldn't, take that society(and mostly the random counsel people on the television screens who don't do anything but tell everyone how much their ideas suck)" reunion.

Yet another cult-ish rule of the Avengers, is that you can't start a party until everyone has arrived, so they were waiting patiently on Clint and Natasha.

"You think they'd mind if we opened, like, one bag of chips?" Steve pondered aloud. Tony narrowed his eyes and glowered menacingly at him.

"You put a single chip in your mouth Steve, and I'll tear off both of your arms." Pepper was the only one shocked by the morbid response.

"There was a time when you loved me Tony," Steve retorted angrily. Tony leapt out of his chair and jabbed an angry finger at the only man he'd ever slept with, minus that, like, one time at summer camp.

"I never loved you!"

"That's just like you to say that Tony, hard and soulless on the outside, soft and sweet on the inside. You're like a ginger but inside out."(jk you guys, I love gingers with all my heart)

There was a gasp around the room from all the Avengers.

"I'm telling Natasha you said that," Bruce grinned and pulled out his phone. Steve's eyes got big and he waved his hands frantically in the air.

"No! I didn't mean it! Please Bruce, if you have any goodness in your heart at all, spare me!"

"Cool it Steve, I'd never do that to you; we're all buddies here aren't we?"

They all nodded, besides Pepper, forever a buzz kill.

"I think I'll go see what's taking Clint and Natasha so long," she suggested and rose from where she was sitting on the couch.

"THE FRIGHTENING REDHEAD AND THE ONE WITH THE EYES OF A HAWK SHARE A DWELLING?" Thor inquired not-so-subtly. Pepper furrowed her eyebrows.

"Yeah they live together, sort of, I mean, they're homeless so-"

"They're homeless?" Tony demanded. Pepper looked at him with a skeptical expression on her face.

"Yes. Did you not know that?" the woman asked. Tony shook his head.

"No, I wasn't aware. Steve, were you aware of this?"

"No Tony, I was not aware of this, Bruce?"

"Nope, I had no idea."

Pepper looked around at all the male Avengers.

"Seriously? They've been begging for you people to let them stay with you for years! They're alcoholic crack addicts, they're always a mess, they look for any excuse they can find to come here-sometimes to impregnate me, and they talk about winter like it's the apocalypse! How could you not know?" she demanded. The Avengers shrugged and looked completely unashamed.

"I guess it never really came up in conversation," Bruce offered. Tony and Steve and Thor all nodded.

"Alright, whatever," Pepper groaned, "I'm going to go ask them what the hell is taking so long. You all have fun basking in your vanity and narcissism."

They waved as she grabbed her keys and slammed the door closed behind her.

"Wait, what were we talking about?" Bruce asked once she was gone.

"I BELIEVE TWAS OF THE PARTICULAR WAY IN WHICH UNICORNS BOUND ACROSS BEAUTIFUL FIELDS OF EMERALD BLADES OF GRASS," Thor offered. Tony looked at him.

"Are you stoned Thor?" he inquired. Thor smiled.

"NO, TONY OF STARK DESSENT, I HAVE NOT BEEN EXECUTED BY WAY OF BEING PELTED WITH ROCKS. I AM, HOWEVER, ON THE MOST POTENT OF DRUGS AT THE MOMENT!"

"That's what I figured."

Pepper came upon Clint and Natasha's place of dwelling, and, looking around at the classic garbage barrel fire, the empty beer bottles, and scattered, open cans of baked beans, she quickly spotted Clint and Natasha lying on the ground, huddled next to each other. Suddenly worried, she walked over to them and nudged Natasha with the pointed toe of her shoe. The Russian spy rolled over and looked up at her employer.

"Pepper?" she groaned, feeling about on the ground around her. Pepper raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, it's me, Pepper. Everyone's back at the Stark mansion waiting for you to show up."

The black widow sat up and rubbed her head with one hand and shook Clint awake with the other.

"Dude, no. I am not going to sell myself on the street. I don't care how much it pays these days-"

"God, shut up Clint. I said that, like, once. We need to go to that reunion thing."

"Do we have to walk there again?"

"No, I can drive you guys, if you promise not to vomit in my car."

They nodded.

"Yeah, no problem," Natasha agreed and stood up, brushing herself off. She helped Clint to his feet, and they both made a face at half a dead cat, like literally half of a cat, lying(laying?) against the wall they'd been huddled next to.

"Oh god Clint," Natasha whispered. He looked back at her, horror stricken.

"It was real," he stated, just as softly. She nodded.

"What was real?" Pepper demanded. The two homeless non-Avengers, looked at her.

"We dreamt that we got so hungry that we tried to eat a cat."

"but it was real," Clint finished. Pepper's eyes got wide.

"Oh my god! Can you get rabies from that?"

Natasha shrugged.

"I don't know! Shit! Clint, what if we have rabies?" she demanded. Clint shook his head urgently.

"Natasha, we're screwed if we have rabies!"

Pepper cleared her throat.

"It's ok, just everyone, calm down. We'll go to the party, and if you start showing symptoms, we'll go to the hospital. Ok?" she reasoned. Clint and Natasha nodded, shaking. They followed her to the car and rode to the Stark mansion in utter silence. When they arrived, Pepper stepped into the house first and froze at the sight that collided with her face like a sack of bricks. The things she noticed are as it were, in order from the first thing she noticed, to the last:

All the food was everywhere.

Steve was running around without any arms, screaming and bleeding profusely.

The hulk had apparently smashed a hole in the wall, and was currently missing

And Tony, in his iron man suit, was battling ferociously with Thor.

"What are you people doing?" Pepper shrieked at the top of her lungs. Everyone stopped and looked at her, minus the hulk, who was still missing.

"Steve ate a chip," Tony explained, as if it were common knowledge.

**Dear readers: thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. If you did not, well then I pray the lord has mercy on your soul.**

**Dear reviewers & potential reviewers: I love you.**

**Dear stalkers: do you not think that maybe facebook would be more efficient?**

**Dear friends: I love you, or I secretly hate you and have yet to exact my revenge.**

**Chapters yet to come?**

**Avengers Thanksgiving & Christmas!**

**Other holidays?**

**Old English Day!**

**Angsty teenager Avengers?**

**Lots more awkwardness!**


	7. Chapter 7

It was Thanksgiving morning, and all the Avengers(who'd been staying at Tony Stark's not-so-humble abode for the last four days) began stirring where they slept. As always in Avenger sleepovers, they all cuddled in the middle of the floor under the same spider-man print blanket.

Poor Pepper Potts, as she'd been known of late, stormed into the living room with Natasha trailing behind her.

"Oh come on Pepper, it was a joke," she cawed, cackling. Pepper turned on her heel and bared her sharp, white teeth at the Russian spy.

"A joke? I just woke up with your tongue inches deep in my-"

"Pepper!" Tony sat up and gasped. Pepper narrowed her eyes after blushing just a bit.

"My ear, she had her tongue in my ear, not my-"

"Pepper!" Steve huffed, sitting up straight as well. Pepper groaned and threw her hands into the air.

"I wasn't going to say it! Jesus people. I'm sure it's not the worst thing you've ever heard either."

"PEPPER!"

"What Thor?" Poor Pepper Potts shrieked, her face going red. Thor laughed.

"It's Pepper day Miss. Potts," Tony offered.

"It's what day?"

"Pepper day, it's where you make sure the first thing you say in the morning is Pepper. We thought that maybe you felt like we were ignoring you, so we made up Pepper day, so that you'll always know that you're an honorary Avenger in our hearts," Natasha explained. Pepper sighed and rubbed her eyes.

"Alright, well, I appreciate the gesture, but you don't have to worry about me feeling ignored. I would be delighted to be free from you people for just, even like, twenty seconds."

"What are you going to do in twenty seconds?" Bruce asked after coughing out a "Pepper" himself. Thor leaned over to suggest something to Bruce.

"PROBABLY 'FEED HER CAT,' IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN GREEN MAN."

Everyone looked at Thor.

"No Thor, I have no idea what 'feed her cat' means," Bruce stated. Thor smiled and bumped the hulk on the arm.

"You know," He made quotation marks with his fingers. "'Feed her cat.'"

"Alrighty then," Tony broke in, "Lets get started on that turkey eh?"

"Are you Canadian Tony?" Steve inquired. Everyone gasped. Asking someone if they were Canadian was like asking someone if they were into bestiality or incest, not cool, and not your business.

"No Steve. No I am absolutely not Canadian. Why would you even ask me such a horrible question?"

"You just said eh."

"Other people say eh Steve! The British say eh all the time! The British are, like, on the fucking other end of the spectrum. Let me lay it out for you. There's the British, the Russians, Americans, the rest of the world, a slow and painful death, the Ku Klux Klan, rabbits, hell, getting raped by a tyrannosaurus rex, socks with toes in them, and _then there's Canada Steve! Canada is at the bottom!"_ Tony shouted, blind with fury. Steve crossed his arms over his chest with and angry "harrumph."

"Sounds to me like a perfect description of you Tony-"

"Ok, ok, everyone just take a step back and breath," Pepper cut in, not wanting the house to be destroyed again.

"Tony is a bastard Pepper! You heard him yelling at me!"

"Take a walk Steve," Pepper commanded. Steve took a step forward.

"You can't tell me what to do-"

"I SAID TAKE A WALK DAMNIT!" she shrieked at him. Steve left to go take a walk.

"Jeez Pepper, we invent a holiday for you and this is how you treat us?" Tony demanded of poor Pepper Potts. Pepper didn't say anything that wasn't a cuss or a string of illegible words; she just walked calmly over to the freezer and pulled it open, shocked to find the frozen skeleton of a gigantic turkey, and that's it. The woman narrowed her eyes and closed the door and opened the fridge, a few empty food containers and four empty two liters. Pepper turned to face the Avengers, a horrible glower on her face, and a horribly rigidity in her features.

"Who ate all the food?" the woman snarled softly, feigning calm. Everyone looked at Natasha, who looked guiltily at the floor.

"Sorry Pepper, I got really hungry, and I ate all of it."

Pepper's jaw dropped.

"The entire frozen turkey?"

"Yes."

"Three bottles of wine?"

"Yes."

"You just up and ate all of it?"

"Yes, Pepper, I ate all of it."

Pepper swallowed loudly.

"You're like the damned grinch, but for Thanksgiving. It should not be possible for you to eat that much."

Natasha shrugged.

"I can also lick my elbow and sneeze with my eyes open."

"What are you?"

"My father was a moss bear."

Everyone blinked slowly, trying to grasp the information offered to them.

"You mean those creepy little microscopic bugs that can breathe in space?" Pepper inquired.

"Yes."

"Fucking wow Natasha. You are so fucking strange."

"I am aware of that."


	8. Chapter 8

**The Avengers Christmas! Took me a gosh darn long time to write so I suggest you like it or risk being tossed into a meat grinder on *accident.**

Pepper loved Christmas, like a lot, but an Avenger Christmas is a whole different animal. The Avengers insisted upon staging a Christmas story reenactment every year. Unfortunately, none of them wanted to be the real characters from the actual Christmas story, so they made up their own Christmas story and acted that out every year, but not without a fat lot of bickering and, not infrequently, full blown fist fighting. Steve had actually had his arms literally torn off at quite a few of these Avengers Christmas functions. He had Tony and Bruce's genius to thank for the continued use of his limbs; he also had them to thank for his arms being repeatedly torn off in the first place.

In the Avengers Christmas story reenactment, Clint and Natasha were always a pair of sheep. Tony was always a beefed up version of Mary, virgin mother of Jesus. Steve was an angel. Thor was God, and Bruce was Santa. Pepper narrated, not from the bible, but from a script written by Tony Stark. Who knew the Iron Man was such and eloquent speaker?

After the play, they all got together and ate green beans out of the can and drank prune juice.

Pepper would've loved to deny any merriment she experienced from the light-hearted holiday, but she had fun whether she liked it or not.

It was nearing eleven o'clock and all the Avengers pulled on their costumes, paste and cotton balls for Clint and Natasha, a dress and a beech ball for Tony, a white snuggie and a gold circle of pipe cleaners for Steve, a pirate getup with a stuffed parrot named "Rudolf" attached to the shoulder for Bruce(they had yet to find a Santa suit that didn't make him whine about looking fat), and Thor just wore his usual clothing, he was a god after all…

"I still don't get why Clint and I have to be sheep. Sheep suck. I hate Sheep. Someday I'll become queen of the sheep and I'll have them all executed, and then there'll be no more sheep and no one will ever have to be a stupid sheep in a stupid Christmas pageant ever again," Natasha whined. Pepper rolled her eyes.

"You and Clint have to be sheep because you aren't real Avengers. Only actual Avengers get to be people in the Christmas story. Now just shut up and do sheep stuff while the real Avengers act out the immaculate birth or whatever the fuck it's called hm?" Tony growled.

Natasha and Clint crossed their arms and stood grumpily in the corner. A gigantic box served as the barn, and a china doll missing a head was the baby Jesus.

Pepper took a breath and began reading the script she'd been given.

_Once upon a time, there was a accountant named Mary, and she was extremely pregnant._

Tony stepped into the middle of the stage and rubbed his beach ball stomach.

"I am so pregnant," Tony cried in a falsetto, "and I don't even know who the father is."

_For, by night, Mary was a prostitute, and a stripper, and sometimes a…lifeguard?_

Tony nodded at Pepper.

"Bruce said she needed more depth," he whispered out of the side of his mouth before getting back into character.

The Iron Man in his dress/beach ball getup danced around like a stripper and grabbed Natasha Sheep by her hair and kissed the woman until she clocked him in the nose.

"Hey!" he shouted. Natasha Sheep stuck her tongue out.

_Despite her great life, Mary was sad._

Tony rubbed his eyes with great, high-pitched boohoos, expressing his sadness.

_She was sad because the evil Canadian sheep from Canada were attacking her hometown of Bethlehem._

"Hey Tony, you said we could be Russian! It's not fair if we have to be Canadian and sheep," Clint griped.

"You'll be Canadian Sheep or so help me I'll cut you from the program!" Tony shouted, and then slipped back into character.

"Oh no, I wish there was someone who could help me defeat these evil Canadian sheep from Canada! I'm so helpless and alone, and sexy," Tony cried.

_Just when all hope was lost, the story continued, a glimmer of light shone on the horizon. Santa Clause, the ultimate bad ass of American integrity and of the long lost puppies of…the legion of the Persian monks…with the…with the pointed hats…_

"What the hell Tony? This makes no sense," Pepper grunted, rereading the passage to make sure she hadn't just had a freak spell of dyslexia. Tony shook his head in disapproval.

"You don't understand Pepper. Whatever, just skip that part. Santa, that's your cue."

Bruce tromped into the scene.

"Hello there Mary! Why are you crying?" Santa Banner asked boomingly. Tony wiped his eyes and threw his arms around Bruce Clause.

"Oh Santa! It's awful! The evil sheep from Canada are attacking Bethlehem!"

"Not again…" *dramatic staring off into the distance*

"What should we do?"

"We'll gather a legion of formidable forces to combat these evil Canadian sheep from Canada!"

_So they went off to gather a legion of forces, forces including *but not limited to* baby Jesus, an angel, and God himself. How could they possibly be defeated?_

"I am an angel and I bring to you the gift of music!" Steve cried.

"I am baby Jesus and I bring to you the gift of laughter," Tony offered out of the corner of his mouth, while holding the headless baby Jesus.

"AND I AM GOD, NEED I GO ON?" Thor boomed.

_The legion went to confront the evil Canadian Sheep._

They walked over to Natasha Sheep and Clint Sheep.

_But Jesus, God, and the angel weren't the violence type, so they decided on other means of defeating the Sheep._

"Sheep, we challenge you to a dance off. Winner stays here in Bethlehem and loser leaved forever," Santa Banner crowed.

"Fine, we'll dance with you- ow!" Clint grunted when Natasha beat him over the head with her hand.

"That was my line you moron!"

"I don't eat live cats," he snarled back. Natasha growled, like legit snarled like an animal.

"Oh please Clint, you were very eager to eat that cat. You're the one who made me catch it for you-"

_Both sides danced valiantly, but the legion of Christmas do gooders won like what was inevitable, and the sheep left Bethlehem and went to Canada._

"I declare this day Christmas, the day we celebrate the ending of the Canadian Sheep rule over Bethlehem!" Steve gurgled.

"I will bring presents to good little children every year on this day to commemorate the day we danced better than and stupid sheep from stupid Canada! But if they aren't good, I'll beat them with a switch!"

"Hey, Santa, let's leave out the switch part maybe?" Mary suggested. Santa nodded.

"You're right Mary, that would be in poor taste."

_And they all lived happily ever after, except Jesus who was burned at the stake because everyone thought he was a witch._


	9. Chapter 9

The poor Miss. Pepper Potts never saw herself as a nanny, or a foster parent, or whatever the hell one would call her current situation, but there she was, nannying the Avengers after one of Tony and Bruce's little experiments left them all fifteen years old and dangerously hormonal. It'd been like this for three days now and if it went on for much longer, Pepper wouldn't have any hair left.

"God, Pepper, I am SO hungry," Bruce whined, his voice cracking in the process. Pepper's hair stuck to her sweaty forehead as she held Tony and Clint away from each other, for, Natasha's young self was somehow even hornier than her fully grown self, so she was pretty much willing to fuck anything in a five mile radius of where she was standing, and both of the boys were pretty intent on having that thing be them.

"Bruce, I'm busy, make yourself a sandwich or something. Boys, stop fighting with each other. She can't have sex with either of you until she's her regular age again, understand?"

Tony and Clint briefly stopped their struggling to protest.

"When she's her normal age, she won't want to have sex with us anymore, because she'll be a lesbian again," the iron man grunted. Pepper pursed her lips and wiped her brow with the back of her arm.

"I will not be responsible for minors having sexual relations in my house!"

"Actually it's my house," Tony suggested helpfully. A stinging comment from Pepper was cut off when Natasha came storming into the living room, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"I HATE YOU BRUCE!" the girl shrieked. Bruce stood up and looked at her, his hands on his hips.

"What? Why?" he demanded indignantly. Natasha fisted her hands and bared her nice white teeth.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUPID, FAT, UGLY, GROSS, MUTATED WAD OF COCK-SUCKING IDIOCY!" she cried, jabbing a finger at him. This accusation, naturally, caused Bruce to explode into a pimply version of the Hulk, but she wasn't fazed by this. The Black Widow merely grabbed him by his largest toe and flung him out of the window, shattering the beautiful glass wall of the Avengers HQ, again. The girl then turned to the rest of the Avengers posse, breathing heavily, and they watched her anger fade into despair. Natasha collapsed to the floor and began to wail, tears pouring down her face like torrential rain.

"I HATE MY LIFE!" she sobbed rolling onto her back and writhing about on the floor in a Gollum-like display of melodrama. Pepper stepped forward and knelt next to the ridiculously hormonal woman/girl.

"Look Natasha, I know it's hard now, but it'll get better. I promise-"

"YOU'RE AN UGLY OLD BITCH PEPPER! I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND IT'LL BE ALL YOUR FAULT!" she cried bitterly. Pepper moaned and stood back up.

"You people are horrible. And you know what's pathetic about this? It's the same damn thing when you're all your regular ages. I'm trying my damnedest to keep us afloat and you're all griping and whining and insulting me, when all I'm doing is trying to help you!"

Pepper was completely ignored as Natasha got off the ground and stomped over to Tony. She proceeded to weave her fingers into his hair and stick her tongue down his throat. Pepper was hesitant to intervene until the girl/woman started tearing her and Tony's clothes off. Then the only adult in the house dashed over to the two and separated them.

"Tony, you have to change me back. Being a teenager sucks. My boobs hurt; my face is all greasy; I keep getting growing pains in my legs; when I see another person, I can barely resist the urge to strip and immediately have sex with them, no matter who they are. I'm going insane! No matter where I go or what I do, I feel like my emotions are going to explode and start leaking out of all my orifices! AHHHHHHH!" Natasha screamed, smearing eyeliner in thick black rings around her eyes.

Upon hearing all the noise Thor and Steve decided to show up. Thor stunk like the devil's ass crack and Steve's face was completely covered with red pockmarks.

"What's going on in here?" Thor inquired, appearently unaware of all the face making and gagging that began as soon as he entered the room.

"NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!" Natasha wailed, louder than ever.

**For those that were wondering, yes, I am satirizing what adults think of us. I avidly protest these paradigms as they are merely lunacy and poppycock. Didn't think this story had an underhanded agenda? You thought wrong. *but didn't mention Canada **


	10. Chapter 10

Poor Pepper Potts slunk ashamedly into the magnificent Catholic Church with a pitiful frown on her face. Somehow, lord only knows the reason, she had agreed earlier to sit in on an Avengers bible study, and now she was here, with the rest of the Avengers plus Natasha and Clint, for confession.

The whole place was ironically extravagant, with priests wandering the corridors, mumbling words of prayer.

"Alright Pepper, go confess your sins to the pastor," Natasha urged. Pepper narrowed her eyes at the voluptuous woman.

"You mean the priest."

"The what?"

"The priest. Catholics have priests, not pastors."

"I thought priests were only girls," Tony chipped in. Pepper shook her head.

"No. Priestesses are women. Priests are men," Steve informed him.

"Wait, are priests the ones who're all pedophiles?" Bruce asked. Pepper covered her face with her hands.

"Oh my god Bruce, no. That is so not ok to say in public…"

"Who cares? It's not like there are any priests here-" Steve began.

"Are you serious? There are like forty priests in this room! Whatever. I'm going to go confess my sins," Pepper grunted and left the posse to go sit in the tiny, claustrophobic confessional.

"Hello sister, what have you come to confess?"

"Hey, priest…man. I, uh, would like to confess to sinful thoughts about my friends," Pepper concluded. The priest nodded.

"What kind of thoughts?"

"I, on a frequent basis, pretty seriously consider waiting until the middle of the night, when they're all asleep, to go into each of their rooms and shove a long, rough, wooden spoon down their throats and then watch them struggle and turn blue, and die…slowly," she answered. The priest didn't say anything for a while.

"Shit. That's creepy as fuck miss. Who are you?"

"I thought these things were supposed to be anonymous."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Alright, but I'm not finished."

"Continue then."

Pepper cleared her throat and nodded.

"I also have sinful thoughts of a different nature about my boss-"

"Of course you do."

"Your commentary is unneeded sir."

"Sorry. Keep going."

"I think a lot of sexual things about him. Like, really hot, sexual things that I'd like to do with him, do to him…" Pepper was practically drooling.

"What about your assistant? She's pretty hot. You ever think about her?"

Poor Miss. Potts blinked a few times and looked more intently through the screen separating her from the priest, only to find that there was no priest, and that she had been speaking to Natasha for the last, lord knows how long.

"Natasha?" the woman screamed. Natasha covered her face.

"Alright, twenty hail Mary's send in the next one on your way out please."

Pepper groaned, her face bright red, and exited the confessional, where Tony, Steve, Bruce, and Thor were all staring at her like she was wielding an ax.

"What?" Pepper demanded, livid.

"We wired a microphone from in there to those speakers…" Tony offered, gesturing at some very surprised looking priests.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, we'd better leave."


	11. Chapter 11

Pepper sat peacefully in the living room of the stark mansion, reading "Red eyes, huge dick" for the sake of cheering herself up. It'd been a particularly stressful day at work that day and so it was wonderful to come home to an empty house, devoid of the Avengers and their shenanigans. The woman shuddered to think what they might be getting into without her, but then she realized that she was never much good as far as stopping them, and maybe a SWAT team would be better suited to the job she attempted every day. Soon enough, before she got too comfortable, the phone rang. Pepper hesitated to answer it when she read Tony's number, but she answered it all the same.

"Hello?" she grunted.

"Hey Pepper. We've got an…issue…that we need your help to deal with," Tony informed her. Potts sighed heavily and got up to find her coat.

"What did you do?" she asked, praying it wasn't something that warranted a 911 call. Tony didn't say anything for a long time.

"You'd better just come and see," he suggested.

"That bad huh?"

"Yeah, pretty damn bad."

"Ok, just hang on. Where are you?"

"We're at the park."

"Of course the rest of you are involved. I'll be right there." Pepper hung up and drove, ten miles over the speed limit, to the park. Thor, Clint, Natasha, Tony, Steve, and Bruce were all waiting nervously for her. When she came into sight Natasha ran over to the woman and hugged her.

"We're so glad you could come help us Pepper," the Russian spy whispered sensuously. Pepper shoved the woman away.

"Please Natasha, keep your hands away from my ass. What did you all do?" she asked, business-like as ever. Tony stepped forward.

"Well, Thor and Steve were having a tree chopping contest-"

"A what?" Pepper demanded, wondering why she was still surprised by the Avengers' antics.

"A tree chopping contest, but that's not important Pepper. What's important is that Steve's axe wasn't built so well, and the top of it flew off and killed that guy's dog."

Pepper blinked a few times before she responded.

"Ok, so we go apologize for killing his dog."

"It's not that simple Pepper," Bruce suggested.

"Yeah," Natasha continued, "It was his seeing eye dog."

"And after we killed it," Tony began, "he wondered off into the woods. We went to look for him, but he disappeared."

Pepper collapsed a bit.

"Are you serious? This isn't just another one of your delusional holidays or rituals or traditions-"

"No Pepper. This is serious."

Pepper covered her face and shook her head.

"Ok. I guess we go look for him."

"We should split up into teams to be more efficient. I call having Pepper on my team," Natasha announced. The rest of the Avengers nodded like this was a pretty legit idea, and Natasha whisked Pepper away into the remote woods, where no one would hear her scream.

Soon enough the pair came upon a man lying face down in a ditch.

"That's him," Natasha informed Pepper helpfully.

"God damnit. Is this the twelfth person you people have killed now?"

"Thirteenth actually."

"Who was the twelfth?"

"Promise you won't judge me?"

"No."

"Ok so, Clint and I needed money for crack, and since he was so opposed to selling himself on the street, I said 'hell, I could be a hooker,' and I went out on the corner that night. Then, it was crazy, guys started showing up like it was the rapture or some shit like that-"

"The rapture?"

"Yeah, whatever. Then, I'm telling all the ugly guys I'm not a hooker of course, and Miley Cyrus shows up out of nowhere. She hands me a thousand dollars for, well, you know what for. God, she is an attractive girl…anyway, afterwards we walk out to her car and I accidentally slammed her head in the door."

"And she died?"

"No, she died when she got run over by the ambulance."

"Oh my God that's terrible, but how is that your fault?"

"I called the ambulance."

"Right."


	12. Chapter 12

Superheroes, by definition, get tons of publicity, and this publicity accumulates enormous numbers of adoring, screaming fans, who're mostly twelve year old girls. The poor Pepper Potts, then, is charged with handling interview requests and the like. She, naturally, tries to evade the press as much as she possibly can manage, because as soon as an Avenger opens their mouth on public television, something terrible is going to happen. Unfortunately, even Pepper can't always fight the reporters off, or the talk show hosts as the case may be. So today, the Avengers had been invited to be interviewed on the Ellen show, by Ellen DeGeneres herself. Pepper would accompany them, to be sure they didn't get sued, and to be sure they didn't kill anyone.

The Avengers, plus Natasha and Clint, all decided it'd be a good idea to dress up for the show, naturally, so Bruce painted himself green. Steve was dressed in an ironically Uncle Sam esque outfit with enough spangling to permanently blind fashionistas all over the world with it's pure and unadulterated tackiness. Natasha was wearing a clear, like, completely transparent, cocktail dress with lingerie instead of underwear. Clint was wearing overalls. Tony Stark just wore his iron man suit, and Thor was dressed as a cow. Pepper had decided on a professional outfit, western business attire.

All seven of them met on the main floor of the Stark Mansion.

"Are you people kidding me? With your millions of dollars, besides Natasha and Clint, this is what you all decided to wear?" Pepper demanded like the kill-joy she was.

"We're trying to make a statement Pepper, like Lady Gaga or Ke$ha. We've gotta be unique if we want to stand out among the crowd of legendary superheroes these days," Natasha explained frankly. Pepper pursed her lips.

"Making a statement is not the same as ruining your names and my name and getting yourselves sent to an insane asylum in Cuba. Where did you get that crack whore outfit anyway?" she demanded. Natasha beamed with pride.

"I made it out of the cellophane people throw out with their food. I probably saved, like, ten turtles just with this outfit. I also used cigarette butts and crystal meth to make the plastic stick together."

Clint smiled and nodded.

"That's very resourceful Natasha. What a great way to use crystal meth. I never would've thought of that-"

"Oh my god Clint, shut up. You are such a loser," Bruce moaned. Pepper rolled her eyes and motioned for them all to follow her. Never before had a single group of people gotten so many wayward stares from strangers on the street.

Soon they were at the airport, checking through security. Tony went first and set off a cacophony of alarms with his suit. Natasha tried to stick her tongue in the wander's mouth, and would leave until the poor woman surrendered her phone number. Steve had a brief spell of claustrophobia and passed out when a great big sweaty professional card collector hugged him and wouldn't let go.

Finally the seven of them got on the plane. Natasha opted to sit next to Pepper under the one condition that Pepper got to sit in the aisle seat.

"Pepper, you know what'd be really hot?" the Black Widow asked after two hours of irritating questions. Pepper groaned.

"What?"

"If you and I went and had sex in the bathroom."

"Yeah. You said that."

"But you agree right?"

"Yeah, hot enough to be in every porno ever made."

"So you wanna-"

"No Natasha, I do not want to fuck you in the airplane bathroom."

The mother with a seven year old in front of the two bickering women turned around and glared at them.

"Could you two keep it down? There are children on this plane," she hissed under her breath.

"It's nature lady, people have sex sometimes. If your stupid fucking kid doesn't know that by now then he's probably got downs."

The woman's jaw unhinged at Pepper's words, but before she could say anything in response, Natasha spit on her face. She turned around and didn't speak again for the rest of the flight. Pepper even cracked a smile at this, but it disappeared quickly after Natasha, not so inconspicuously grabbed her thigh.

"Hey Pepper," Tony whispered unfortunately loudly across the aisle. Pepper looked at him, completely unamused.

"What?" she demanded. He and Bruce snickered devilishly.

"What's old, wrinkled, long nosed, bug eyed, and saggy boobed?" the man asked. Pepper sighed.

"A Canadian?"

Bruce and Tony burst out laughing. Finally, after a few straight minutes, the Iron Man caught his breath and shook his head.

"Nope. You!" and they took to guffawing again. Pepper rolled her eyes and sunk deeper into her seat, praying for the end of the flight or a swift and painless death, one of the two.

When they arrived, the plane was late so they had to rush to the studio. Then all seven of them managed not to kill anyone until it was time for them to go on stage. They filed on, smiling and waving to a crowd that cheered until it noticed the heroes' peculiar attire. Ellen herself seemed a bit shocked as well but she kept her cool and hugged all of them in turn as they sat down, Natasha hugging a bit low on the famous comedian's back.

"So, I can't believe I have all the Avengers right here on my show at the same time. How was your flight?" Ellen asked them. Pepper had made sure that none of the Avengers would speak unless directly asked a question, so she answered for them.

"It was great, very relaxing. Thank you for asking Ms. Ellen," she lied. The host looked at Pepper like she was a psychopath.

"Um, that's great, but I asked the Avengers how their flight was, not you," she stated frankly. Pepper narrowed her eyes at the woman.

"Yes, I know that. I am the Avenger's manager, and I answer questions for them."

"Why?"

"Because they all have horrible stage fright-"

"No we don't Pepper. You said it was because we'd embarrass you and get you sued," Clint countered. Pepper sighed in frustration as the audience executed it's artificial laughter.

"How about I ask the Avengers a few questions? How did it feel to save the world from that horrid Norse god?" Ellen asked.

"Well Ellen, I'm glad you asked that, because it was horrible. We worked our asses of to save a bunch of dicks like you people. Tony almost died up in that freaky worm hole shit, and you know how many people said thank you? Two people. My mom, and Nick Fury," Natasha griped. Thor nodded.

"AND THAT NORSE GOD IS MY BROTHER AND HIS NAME IS LOKI AND HOW DARE YOU MORTALS SPEAK OF HIM LIKE THAT?" the man demanded.

"I mean, yeah, we've got fans, but what do they do for us? At least Justin Bieber's fans cut themselves for him. I haven't gotten a single picture of naked boobs since we saved the world. That's pathetic," Bruce agreed.

"I hate Martin Luther King Junior," Steve announced after a moment of silence.

"And I like Hitler," Tony declared.

"I'm homeless, and addicted to crack, and an alcoholic, and I once ate a cat and now I think I have rabies."

As everyone let this information soak in, Pepper sat up in her seat and looked at all the Avengers and then at Ellen.

"What else do you want to know?" poor Pepper Potts pondered politely.

There you are, sorry for the wait.


	13. Chapter 13

Poor Pepper Potts fucked Natasha.

**April Fools.**


	14. Chapter 14

Poor Pepper Potts idly scrolled through her Facebook timeline, casually mumbling out loud on the topic of her seething hatred for every one of her 'friends.'

"Oh, you're pregnant are you? Well that's wonderful. I hope the little bastard enjoys its fetal alcohol syndrome," she grumbled. Tony laughed on the other side of the room, but Pepper assumed he hadn't heard her. The psychopath was speaking with Bruce on the phone.

"No-, No I know you aren't a pedophile, man…Yeah, twelve year olds these days are basically porn stars…For real, dude, it was a mistake anyone could've made-…I feel you- you what?" Tony choked on his breath and Pepper turned to look at him. If something was bad enough to shock the Tony Stark, shit just went down.

"Bruce, that's not cool-…don't try to justify it! You need to go see someone- one second." Tony looked at Pepper, and she blinked and looked away when she realized that he'd caught her staring with her mouth open.

"Pepper, you'll never guess what Bruce did!" he shouted at her.

"What?"

"I said, 'You'll never guess what Bruce did,'" the man said again. Pepper rolled her eyes.

"I heard what you said. I was asking what he did."

"You could've been clearer about that."

"Fuck you," Pepper grunted and turned back around in time to see a private message pop up. It was from Natasha.

"He fucked a twelve year old Canadian."

"Oh my god," Pepper gasped, her head snapping back to look at Tony.

"Yeah, then he turned into the hulk and got really drunk."

"I didn't know the hulk could get drunk," Pepper suggested. Tony laughed and shrugged.

"Maybe he wasn't drunk, but he did break into the pet store, as the hulk, and tried to teach the fish to walk."

"What?"

"Maybe he wasn't drunk, but he did break into the pet store, as the hulk, and tried to teach the fish to walk."

"Are you fucking kidding me Tony?"

"When the police showed up he was screaming EVOLUTION! EVOLUTION! YOU'VE GOT TO EVOLVE OR YOU'LL NEVER SURVIVE!"

Pepper and Tony both laughed for a long time.

"Hang on; I got a Facebook message from Natasha."

"What'd she say?"

Pepper scanned the text briefly.

"She said, um, lots of vulgar lesbian sex terms, and then at the end she said 'take the bananas out of the crate and give them to the Russian monk in the mountains of Minnesota.' What the hell?" Pepper hesitated when Tony suddenly shot out of his seat and ran over to her. He read the message over her shoulder.

"Pepper, I need to go. There's an emergency-"

"What?"

"I said-"

"Shut up Tony. Where are you going?"

"It's a secret."

With this Tony ran out the house, got into his Iron Man suit and flew away, leaving Pepper bewildered and confused, like she usually was.

Two or three hours later Tony called Pepper on her cell and she answered with an irritated 'What?'

"Hey Pepper. So, this is hilarious, we've been kidnapped by Al Qaeda."

"What?" Pepper gasped.

"God damn it Pepper, you need a hearing aid. We've been kidnapped by Al Qaeda. We need you to come help us."

"No, I'm not going to do that."

"Why?" Tony gasped.

"Because I feel like you people are lying to me, like you always do."

"We're not lying Pepper."

"Well then don't worry; I'm not lucky enough to have you die. I'm sure you'll be back and annoying as ever tomorrow." She was about to hang up, but Tony spoke up before she could.

"God you suck the fun out of everything. We're trying to throw you a surprise party for being the best Pepper there ever was."

Pepper sighed.

"Sorry, Where are you guys? I'll come-"

"Don't bother."

Tony hung up, and Pepper slumped.

"God damn it," she snarled and went back to sifting through boring/irritating Facebook posts.


	15. Chapter 15

Poor Pepper Potts drove innocently along the road, expecting a plain old regular day at Stark industries, as if she should be so lucky. She absentmindedly flicked on the radio, harmless right? Wrong. As soon as Ke$ha's 'Die Young' was finished, a few painfully familiar voices came pouring out of Pepper's speakers and she accidentally swerved and almost collided with oncoming traffic as a result.

"Yeah Tony, I'd fuck Carly Rea Jepson. What of it?" Natasha was saying.

"I'm just saying, Natasha, she's Canadian."

"That's true Natasha-"

"God, shut up Clint, no one cares about you or your stupid opinion."

Pepper floored it and took the first exit that showed itself, off to the radio station.

"After these songs, we're having a very special two guest with us, Johnny Depp and Ke$ha herself everyone," Steve announced with his annoyingly high pitched voice. Pepper's breath caught in her throat.

"I swear to holy heaven Tony, if I have to deal with another lawsuit, I will pin you to the floor and stuff Xanax down your throat until you stop breathing," she snarled with a straight, unnaturally calm face as she weaved in and out of traffic like a professional driver on a closed course. It was shaping up to be another one of those days.

When Poor Pepper Potts arrived at the radio station she was so frazzled that she hardly knew what happened when she hit Johnny Depp at fifty miles an hour. The poor man flew across the parking lot and through one of the big, glass windows in the building that housed all the Avengers. Upon realizing what she'd gone and done Pepper leapt out of her car and ran to the broken window.

"Oh my god Mr. Depp, are you alright?" she gasped, then paused when she saw all the Avengers with Ke$ha staring at her.

"Damnit Pepper, why do you always have to fuck everything up?" Tony moaned. Pepper climbed into the building and stepped carefully over Johnny's body.

"He just came out of nowhere! I didn't try to hit him," she explained hurriedly.

"PEPPER, WHAT IF YOU KILLED HIM? THEN YOU'LL BE THE ONE GETTING SUED FOR ONCE, WON'T YOU?" Thor demanded, not being helpful as always.

"I'm sorry," Pepper yelped and bent over to feel Mr. Depp's neck, and as she did, they all started laughing, including Ke$ha.

"Oh my god Pepper, you are hilarious," Clint squealed, buckled over on the floor.

"What are you talking about? Someone call 911! Jesus Christ people!" she screamed.

"Calm down Pepper, he's just a robot," Tony informed her like a jackass and kicked Depp's head. It lurched and rolled sluggishly to the side, revealing a complex netting of colorful cables and diodes and other random mechanical bullshit. I'm not going to pretend I know what's inside a robot or whatever the fuck.

Pepper's face got red with fury and she grabbed a sturdy wooden chair off the floor, wielding it like a sword.

"Are You Fucking Kidding Me?" she demanded heavily. Natasha grinned.

"I could be if you wanted me to be," she growled in her sensuous voice, then Ke$ha laughed and they high fived.

"She's a robot too, isn't she?" Pepper demanded coldly. Ke$ha shook her head.

"No, I'm just really wasted," the woman replied, smiling. Pepper rolled her eyes and smacked Miss. Ke$ha across her sexual teeth with the chair. She crumpled to the floor and the Avengers fell silent.

"Pepper Potts, two, Tony's stupid fucking robots, zero," Pepper declared, tossing the chair to the side.

"Pepper," Tony whispered, a serious look on his face.

"What?"

"I said 'Pepper,'"

"Are you really doing this again?"

"Ke$ha isn't a robot," Tony told her solemnly. Pepper's eyes got wide as she beheld Ke$ha's bruised, bleeding body.

"Fucking fuck," the woman whispered, and just then her phone rang. Pepper held her finger to her lips while she slowly brought the cell up to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Is your refrigerator running?" someone asked. She hung up.

"WHO WAS IT PEPPER, DAUGHTER OF A VERY PROMISCUOUS POT?" Thor asked excitedly. Pepper sighed and sat down.

"Your idiot brother," she breathed.


End file.
